


Life's Not Plastic Forks and Paper Cups

by etherealniallhoran



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: All The Ships, All the time, Anorexia, Bittersweet, Bulimia, Did I Mention Angst?, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, LET ME STOP, M/M, Marijuana, Relapsing, Sad and Happy, Skinship, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, because its the only way he knows how to open up, but seungcheol is his daddy, chan is jeonghans baby, recreational drug use?, smoking pot on the rooftop, very very angsty at times
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-07 02:35:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13424892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etherealniallhoran/pseuds/etherealniallhoran
Summary: twelve boys bond over their illnesses.a scandal arises as romance blooms between a counselor and his patient.when feelings get in the way, can anyone really focus on self growth?jeon wonwoo never wanted to be admitted for his disorder. he felt it unnecessary, that he'd never gain anything from it. little did he know, he'd find love, self worth, and some of the best friends he could ever have.





	1. on feeling small

_One._  
_Two._  
_Three._

Wonwoo opened his eyes. No, this wasn't a dream. He was still standing in the bleak white room, staring at the neatly made beds. He pushed his glasses up with the tip of his forefinger and sighed, turning to face his mother. 

"How long?"

"Until you begin to make an effort, maybe longer. I don't know." She stared at her phone. Typical. He wanted so badly to hug her, to hear her tell him everything would be alright. But those days were long gone. She seemed to stop caring once he hit high school. He was nothing more than a burden at that point. 

Wonwoo shook the thoughts out of his head. The nurse that accompanied them to his new abode cleared her throat. "Um, are you ready to get settled in?"

He nodded.

"Well, Mrs. Jeon, it's time then to say goodbye."

She put a hand on his shoulder. "I will visit you often, Wonu. We're only doing this out of love. Out of concern. You know that, right?"

"Sure." He feigned sincerity and forced a smile. Suddenly, another boy entered the room. 

"Oh, uh... I'm sorry to interrupt anything." He stumbled across his words. 

"You weren't, sweetie. I was just leaving." Mrs. Jeon ran a hand through her son's hair and turned to leave. "Take care of my Wonu."

Wonwoo rolled his eyes. 

"She's interesting..." the other boy started. 

"Don't get me started." Wonwoo set his bags on the bed closest to the door. "Oh, you must be my roommate, then?" He turned to face the boy.

"Yeah, I guess you're Wonwoo? I'm Mingyu." He extended a hand. Wonwoo took it somewhat reluctantly, giving a limp shake.

"Nice to meet you." He mumbled, trying his best to hide in his oversized hoodie. 

"Well, as roommates we need to get used to each other. And, in order to get used to you, I should learn about you, right?" Mingyu plopped on his bed, resting his hands lazily behind his head. 

"Um, what do you want to know?"

"How'd you end up here?" His eyes gleamed, ready for something interesting. 

"Um...I don't know," Wonwoo tripped over his words, "my mom made me?"

"Everyone's mom made them." Mingyu rolled his eyes. "What did she find out?" He smirked. "What are you bad at hiding?"

Wonwoo picked at the loose threads on the ends of his sleeves. "I guess she's just really perceptive." He kept the bad memories at bay. Today wasn't the day to open that can of worms. "It doesn't really matter though, does it?" He said that as more of a statement than a question, as if to say, 'We're finished here.' Mingyu quickly picked up on this and looked up at the ceiling. Awkward silence draped across them, becoming heavier with every second. Suddenly, a knock came from the door. 

"Mingyu!" A slender boy with a voice three times his size entered the room. He had a large grin that seemed to shine brighter than the loud white walls. "Ah! I see your roommate has finally arrived. About time. You were getting so lonely in there I figured I'd ditch Soonie and come bunk with you!"

"Seokmin, leave him alone. And you're scaring the newbie." A slightly softer voice came from behind the loud boy. The owner of the voice walked in, head held high. He carried himself almost like royalty, standing straight and tall, approachable and kind. "Hello, my name is Hong Jisoo." His words were cloaked in velvet. 

"H-hello." Wonwoo nodded. 

"And as you now know, my name is Lee Seokmin." The slender boy with the large smile patted Wonwoo on the back. "You'll fit right in, it takes time. Don't worry."

Mingyu laughed. "Seokmin is an obvious clown. You'll learn to like him. Luckily he has Jisoo to keep him in check." At this, Jisoo blushed heavily. 

"Alright, alright. Meet and greet is over!" Yet another new voice exploded from the hallway. A shorter, more round faced man came into view. "It's mealtime." 

"Yeah, yeah. We sure wouldn't wanna miss that." Seokmin retorted, giving the group a wink. 

"Very funny." The man rolled his eyes, but offered a knowing smile. "Now, get on with it." He began walking down the hall, alerting the other residents.

"That's Seungkwan." Jisoo smiled. "He is a councelor here. Pretty young, honestly. I think he was once admitted here." He looked thoughtfully in the direction the man walked. "He said he was a recovered bulimic."

That was the first disorder talk Wonwoo had heard all day. His mother never uttered words like 'bulimic'. He knew how she felt. Ashamed. Disgraced. He shook his head.

"Well, we're going to head to the commons. We'll save you guys seats?" Jisoo offered. Wonwoo nodded silently. 

"Alright, Wonwoo. Let me help you put your bags up for the time being? You can sort and fold your clothes later. They're real sticklers about mealtimes." Mingyu rolled his eyes and imitated holding a gun to his head. He grabbed Wonwoo's bags and pushed them gently under his bed. "You wanna head out?"

"Okay." They began walking down the hallway. "What's the deal with those two?" He started, "Are they-?"

"Oh, god, Jisoo wishes. Don't tell him I told you anything. But he's smitten. They're my current project."

"Project?"

"Oh yeah. When you've been here long enough you get pretty bored. Playing matchmaker is the only way I keep myself sane. It worked pretty well with Junhui and Minghao. You'll love them. Like Seokmin said though, it just takes time. Ah, here we are-"

Mingyu prattled on. Wonwoo was intrigued by the boy, wondering if he'd ever be successful in his matchmaking attempts with the two boys. He stopped at the doorway of the commons. It was full of emotion. Laughter, gossip, stubborn refusal of the morning's french toast and sausage patties. 

Wonwoo took a deep breath. He closed his eyes.

_One._  
_Two._  
_Three._

It was time to brave his first meal in this new, strange home.


	2. tell me all of your secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> minor tw towards the end- sort of self harm. just wanted to cover all bases just in case :) happy reading <3

"Ah, Mingyu! We saved you a seat. Hey!" A boy with short, black hair and large doe-like eyes waved from across the large commons.

Wonwoo followed Mingyu to the cafeteria line, where dozens of boys and girls solemnly waited for a tray. The meal of the day included eggs, toast, an apple, milk, and two bottles of water. Wonwoo grimaced. 

“You’re expected to eat everything, just so you know.” Mingyu said, grabbing his tray and waiting for the boy. “If you don’t, they sit with you until, well, until you do.”

“Really?”

Mingyu nodded. “No matter how long it takes. Best to take the path of least resistance, don’t cause a scene or anything.” 

They sat at the long table. “What are you two talking about?” The boy who had ushered them over was leaning callously in his seat. 

“The rules." Mingyu started. "Clean plate-“

“Or meet your fate.” The boy finished Mingyu’s sentence ominously. Wonwoo couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Meet your fate?”

“Oh yeah.” Mingyu nodded. 

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. They say that around here?” 

“The kids do, not the staff. Ever since Minghao’s incident, it’s just the new phrase.”

“What?”

“A story for another time.” Mingyu shushed the table as a thin, tanned boy walked past them. Wonwoo suspected that was the aforementioned Minghao and shut up about the matter. 

“Anyways, what’s your name?” Wonwoo asked the doe-eyed boy.

“Seungcheol.” He responded, taking a bite from the apple. His skin was pale, his lips nearly as red as the fruit he bit into, and Wonwoo regarded him as some sort of male Snow White. “And you are?”

“Wonwoo.” 

“He’s bunking with me.” Mingyu smiled.  
   
Wonwoo played with the foam tray more than he ate. He got a couple gently scolding looks from the nurses who patrolled the commons like policemen. After some persuasion from the boys, phrases like, “Come on, Wonwoo, we gotta head to therapy eventually,” or, “I know it sucks but it’s gonna happen three times a day so you might as well get used to it.” Wonwoo finally finished his plate and followed the boys to the other side of the large room. There, they showed their empty plates to two nurses and put them on a shelf to be washed. 

Wonwoo left the commons feeling too _large_ , as if he’d gained fifteen pounds just by eating the meal alone. He walked down the long hallways, preoccupied with thoughts of his mother, how she’d most likely be sitting in her chair, focusing intently on a new cross-stitching project. He thought of how she’d fix dinner for the family, not caring who ate and who didn’t, how easily Wonwoo slipped past the radar. He thought about that day…

His thoughts were interrupted as he passed a boy sitting alone in one of the recreational rooms. Wonwoo was taken aback. The boy was slim, with fair, smooth skin like porcelain. He had long hair tied in a slick low ponytail and soft, nearly feminine features. 

“H-hi.” Wonwoo stopped in his tracks. 

“Hello.” The doll-like boy spoke in nearly a whisper. He twiddled with the edges of the cardigan he had pulled tightly across his waist. “Can I help you?” He had one leg crossed over the other, he bobbed it up and down impatiently. 

“Um, no, well…maybe? I don’t know. I’m Wonwoo.”

“You’re new here.” A soft smile spread across his face. “I’m Jeonghan. It’s nice to see a fresh face. Have they set up your room yet?” 

“Yes, I bunk with Mingyu.”

He sighed. “Of course. I’m still alone. My last roommate got to leave this hell hole. He was so lucky.” Jeonghan rolled his eyes, switching legs. He patted on the empty cushion.

“Have a seat?”

“S-sure.” Wonwoo sat next to the boy. 

“Group therapy should start soon. It’s not so bad. Seungkwan doesn’t throw you to the wolves too much on your first day. He just asks you to introduce yourself. How you do so is, well, it’s up to you. Be as vague or as embellished as you want to be.” He chuckled. 

“I’ll remember that, thanks.” He studied the boy. Jeonghan kept the sleeves of his dark blue cardigan grasped tightly in his hands, not seeming to want to show much skin. He wore bleached jeans that were rolled up at the ankles, with a pair of navy Converse all-stars. 

“No problem. I guess we should head over to the room then, right?” He got up, motioning for Wonwoo to follow him. They passed through a few rooms where a couple boys began their trek as well. 

Group therapy was held in a little room on the far side of the floor. There were couches, beanbag chairs, and a big fluffy rug. Everything was a varying shade of blue. “Isn’t it so cozy?” Jeonghan breathed, flopping onto a couch in the corner. Wonwoo followed him. “It really is.”

He watched the boys pile in one by one. Mingyu sat next to Seokmin and Jisoo, deep in conversation. He made quick eye contact with Wonwoo, who blushed. Wonwoo realized just how strikingly…attractive he was. He had piercing, dark eyes that softened immediately when he smiled a slightly crooked smile. He always had something to laugh about. He always seemed happy. Wonwoo envied him. 

There were some faces he slightly recognized, others brand new. The door opened and the round faced man Wonwoo had seen earlier was now making his way into the room. 

“Hello, hello. Sorry guys, I’m running a bit late. All on me. I see a new face!” His voice was loud and cheerful. “We’ll take it easy today.” He extended a hand. “I’m Boo Seungkwan, I’m your counselor here, you’ll also see me weekly for one on one therapy sessions.” Wonwoo shook his hand quietly, offering a small smile. 

“Okay guys, new face here! Could you stand up and just introduce yourself to the group? Say whatever you feel comfortable with.” He smiled and sat down, watching Wonwoo eagerly. 

“Uh..Hi.” Wonwoo cleared his throat. He hated public speaking. “I’m Wonwoo. I, uh…I’m seventeen, and I am diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. Um, I like to read. And I don’t like talking in front of large groups.” He chuckled, plopping back onto the couch and turning bright red. 

“It’s a pleasure to have you here with us, Wonwoo.”

“Not like he has a choice. None of us do.” A voice came from the opposite side of the room. It belonged to the boy Wonwoo had seen in the cafeteria earlier. 

_Clean your plate or meet your fate._ What on earth did that even mean? 

“Okay, Minghao.” Seungkwan chuckled, fiddling with a pad and pencil. “What did we talk about- looking at the bright side of things?”

This got a scoff in response. Wonwoo made eye contact with Mingyu, who promptly shrugged. He had a knowing glint in his eye. 

“Er, well…anyways, why don’t we all introduce ourselves to Wonwoo? Go around and say your name, we’ll start here.” He pointed to Jeonghan, who sat to the right of Wonwoo.

“I’m Jeonghan.” He smiled.

“Good, good. We’ll go clockwise.” Seungkwan was jotting something down on his pad of paper.

“Seokmin!”

“Mingyu.” Mingyu winked again. 

“Jisoo.”

“Jihoon.” Wonwoo matched the new voice to a quite short statured boy with bleach-blonde hair.

“Seungcheol.” The boy he’d met earlier nodded.

“Minghao.”.

“Junhui.” Leaning on Minghao’s shoulder was a boy who could have seriously been a model. He had sharp features, impeccable fashion sense and was neatly groomed.

“Soonyoung. It’s nice to meet you, Wonwoo.” The final boy nodded, giving him a sweet smile. His nose scrunched, and his eyes closed tightly. His smile was contagious, Wonwoo couldn’t help but return the pleasantry.

“Perfect. Remember, group, we’re expecting two more newbies within the month, so be ready to do this all over again. I believe they’re slated to join us on the same day, though. So some of you won’t have rooms all to yourselves anymore, sorry about that.” He gave a mock pout.

“Thank god. I’ve been so lonely.” Jeonghan whispered. Wonwoo nodded. 

Group therapy wasn’t terrible, just a gentle conversation on body image. Wonwoo had expected some sort of Alcoholics Anonymous meet up, everyone sharing a story on how their eating disorder damaged families and friendships, crying, etc. He was almost looking forward to the next session. 

Almost.

-

That night, Wonwoo laid in bed, looking up at the ceiling, unable to sleep. 

“Mingyu?”

“Hm?”

“What happened to Minghao?”

“Lights out!” A bang on the door jolted the both of them, and Mingyu groaned, getting up to shut the light off. 

“Can I sit here?” He motioned to Wonwoo’s bed and spoke in a whisper.

“Sure.” 

“So, it’s a crazy story.” Mingyu made himself at home at the end of Wonwoo’s bed, criss-crossing his legs and leaning forward, placing his elbows on his knees. “A couple weeks ago, Minghao was sitting with me, Seungcheol, Seokmin, and Junhui. He wasn’t eating. For anyone. We begged him, just because they make you sit there so long, and we didn’t want to leave him, you know?”

Wonwoo nodded. “Right.”

“Right. But he must have been having a real shitty day. He just wouldn’t touch any of it. I get it, but…jeez. I don’t know. Maybe I’m too scared of authority to be so blatantly…ignorant.” Mingyu paused, as if he was processing the memory. “Well, the nurse came and started to really push him to eat, right? And he just was not having it. He took his fork and stabbed his own hand with it. God, he didn’t even flinch. All he did was yell at her to leave him the fuck alone. The nurse flipped out.”

“His own hand?”

“His own fucking hand, dude. They had to escort him out of the cafeteria. By then he was screaming, but not in pain. Anger. Telling them not to fucking touch him, to leave him alone, all that stuff. He was in what I’d call a sort of solitary confinement for three days. When he came out, I asked him why he did it. He said he just wanted to get out of eating.”

“Did he?”

“No!” Mingyu chuckled. “They basically force fed him. I felt bad for the nurses assigned to his room those days.” 

“Jeez.”

“I know. But he isn’t always that bad. I promise, he’s a decent guy. Especially when Jun’s around. He seems to be the only one to calm Minghao down.”

“Wow.”

“Yep. But you didn’t hear it from me. Hao likes to pretend it never happened.”

“I can imagine.”

“Anyways,” Mingyu got up. “I’m gonna hit the hay. How was your first day?”

“Not so bad.” Wonwoo smiled.

“That’s good to hear.” The tall boy smiled back. 

Wonwoo rolled over and closed his eyes. He wasn’t thrilled to be at a treatment center, but at least he had decent company. He thought of the new faces he’d met that day. How Seokmin was loud, Jisoo was graceful, Minghao was misunderstood. How Jeonghan was beautiful, Seungcheol was friendly. How Mingyu was…interesting.

How Mingyu was already looking out for him.

How Mingyu was caring. 

How Mingyu was pretty…good looking, to say the very least.

And now, how Mingyu snored terribly in his sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guys are enjoying so far, honestly this is mostly just some filler before the story really gets a-brewin'. feel free to leave me comments, i really love to read them. thanks for reading, xoxo -em


	3. you're so conceited, i said i love you. what does it matter if i lied to you?

Sunlight trickled through the blinds into the bleak dorm room. Wonwoo played a sort of tug-of-war with his alarm clock. He wanted five more minutes, just five simple minutes of solid sleep. The alarm unfortunately won. He forced himself out of bed and walked to the bathroom. Mingyu was standing at the sink, wearing a thin tee shirt and boxers, brushing his teeth. He saw Wonwoo in the mirror and smiled, toothpaste foaming around the corners of his mouth. “Hey you.”

“Hey.” Wonwoo grumbled, starting a shower. 

“How’d you sleep?” Mingyu was a morning person. Wonwoo was not.

He grunted. “Fine.”

“You’ve been here for two weeks now. Can you believe it?”

Wonwoo stopped fumbling with the shower head. He turned to look back at Mingyu. “Really?” 

“Yep.” 

“Doesn’t feel like it at all.” Wonwoo turned back to the shower. The water began to run. He threw his shirt off and began to slide off his bottoms. 

“Hey, I’m still here!” 

Wonwoo blushed a deep red. In his half-asleep stupor, he hadn’t even realized he was starting a shower in the middle of his roommate’s morning routine. He threw his shirt back on. “I-I’m s-“ He began turning deeper and deeper shades of red as he stumbled heavily over his words. 

“It’s no biggie.” Mingyu rinsed his mouth out. “I’m out anyways. Shame I had to miss seeing your cute butt.” He left before Wonwoo could properly process the statement. He shook his head and began undressing again. 

\--

The usual group met up for breakfast. Wonwoo sat between Mingyu and Seungcheol, across from Seokmin, Jisoo and Jeonghan. 

“Did you guys hear?” Seungcheol said coolly. “The newbies are coming today. Both of them.” 

Jeonghan smiled. “I won’t have to be alone anymore.” 

“Isn’t Jisoo alone too? You two should have bunked.” Seungcheol replied. 

Jeonghan looked down at his tray, twirling his oatmeal around with a plastic spoon. “I thought about it, I never spoke up though.” 

“Aw, Hannie, I’d have loved to have been your roommate!” Jisoo smiled, grabbing the other boy’s hand for a quick squeeze. “Poor thing. Being alone never really bothered me.”

“It’s okay, now you’ll get a brand new roommate. Hopefully he’s less of a stick in the mud than Sehun was.” Seungcheol smiled. “Good thing he graduated.”

“Yeah, haha.” Jeonghan laughed quietly, and Wonwoo was almost positive he saw him blush. 

The boys brought their trays to the nurses, as always, and started walking eagerly to group therapy. They all chose couches in the far corner, watching the door like hawks waiting for prey. Jihoon entered soon after them, sitting in a big beanbag chair that seemed to swallow him whole. 

“Jihoon! Did you hear about the newbies?” Seokmin started. “I can’t wait to meet them.”

“Meh. Two more people I have to keep up with.” Jihoon pouted. 

“Aren’t you such a people person?” Jeonghan poked fun at the boy.

“Absolutely.” He rolled his eyes. The next person to enter was Soonyoung, followed closely by Junhui and Minghao. 

“Hi guys.” Soonyoung greeted them with his warm smile. “Jeonghan, ready for a new roomie?”

“Oh, more than anything, Soonie.” Jeonghan tapped his foot excitedly. Just then, the first new face entered the room.

He was on the shorter side, with a kind baby face. He wore a sweater slightly too big for his smaller frame, and his straight, black hair was combed neatly away from his face. He gave a tight smile to the group and sat on a couch on the other side of the room, hugging his knees to his chest. 

Seungkwan came in with his paper and pen. He wore a pink sweater vest over a soft blue button up, looking like cotton candy. “I see a new face! We should expect another soon.” 

The group was settling in as the last, and most anticipated, person stepped through the threshold. He was tall, with curly soft hair. He had unique features and wore a dull grey pullover hoodie.

“Looks like we can begin.” Seungkwan announced. “New faces, please stand and tell us a bit about yourselves. You first.” He pointed to the taller boy.

“Hey guys, I’m Hansol.” 

Wonwoo’s heart dropped. He hadn’t even been paying attention when the boys walked in, but now he was all ears. He knew that name. He knew that voice. He knew that face. 

“I’m half American. I’m diagnosed with bulimia, restrictive subtype. I’m sixteen. I actually asked to be admitted here. I wanted help. I hope I can find it here.” He locked eyes with Wonwoo and his mouth dropped open out of shock. He sat- almost fell- back into the couch, looking down at the floor. 

“You know that guy?” Mingyu asked. 

“I- n-no.”

“You do. I can tell. Ooh.” The tall boy smiled. “Tea.”

“Shut up, Mingyu.” He didn’t mean to sound so harsh. This was the last place he’d expected to ever see Choi Hansol. 

“It’s good that you chose to seek help, Hansol. We’re glad you’re here!” Speak for yourself, Wonwoo thought bitterly. “Okay, and now our next new face!”

“Hi, I’m Chan. I’m fifteen. I’m diagnosed as OSFED, since I don’t meet certain requirements…not that it matters. I enjoy dancing, and I’d like to make friends.” He smiled and sat back down.

“Wonderful. Do you guys know who you’re rooming with?”

Hansol spoke up. “Jisoo, I believe.”

“Jeonghan.” Chan smiled. 

“Jisoo, will you stand up?” Seungkwan asked. The boy stood, nodding at Hansol.

“Hi! I’m from LA. Where in America are you from?” 

Hansol brightened up. “I lived in New York for five years, but moved back here so I don’t really remember much.”

Seungkwan smiled. “Small world. Jeonghan, care to introduce yourself to Chan?”

Jeonghan stood, smiling. “It’ll be nice not to have an empty room anymore. I’m Jeonghan, and I hate being alone.” He ended this with a chuckle. “Also, I’m a terrible dancer, so you’ll have to show me some moves.

Chan laughed. “That won’t be an issue.”

The rest of the boys introduced themselves one by one. Wonwoo wouldn’t make eye contact, just staring at the floor and mumbling his name before quickly returning to his seat. He watched the clock, not paying any attention to the discussion that day. He just wanted to be alone.

Mingyu wouldn’t allow that, of course.

-

“How do you know Hansol?” Wonwoo was being interrogated by his roommate as he wrapped himself in blankets and shoved his head under his pillow. 

“It’s nothing.”

“Oh it’s something. I know it is.”

“Drop it Mingyu.”

“No.” 

“Drop. It.”

“Nooo.” Mingyu whined. “Just tell me, come on, we’re roommates. We’re practically best friends at this point. Come on.”

“We dated! We dated. There. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“Ooh. Didn’t end well, huh?”

“Not even a little bit. Not a bit. It was awful.” Wonwoo clenched his teeth shut. Why did he feel the need to cry? 

“What happened?”

“I really don’t want to talk about it, okay?” Wonwoo snapped.

“Alright, fine, whatever. I’m going to the rec room. Gonna beat Minghao at air hockey. You in?”

“I just want to be alone.” 

Mingyu slumped on his bed. “Please, Wonwoo. I don’t want you here all sad and shit. You can tell me anything, you can just get it off your chest. What happened between you two?” 

Wonwoo sat up, throwing the pillow onto the end of his bed. He tried his best to hide watery eyes. The taller boy made his way across the room, sitting across from him.

“I’m sorry I pushed you.” 

“He hurt me.” Wonwoo crumbled, wrapping his arms around his legs, burying his face between his knees, sobbing. “I gave him everything. I fell for him, too. Hard. Look at me, Mingyu.” He looked up, cheeks red, puffy and tear-stained. “No one wanted anything to do with me, no one except him. I was a nobody. A fat, lame nobody. I had no friends. Then he came around, he made me feel like I wasn’t so worthless, you know? Like I could be loved. Like I was worth love.”

“You are worth love. Anyone in their right mind would be lucky to have you.”

“Then why did he leave me?” Wonwoo asked pitifully, picking at the skin around his nails. “Why did he leave me only for me to find him a week later wrapped up in a new boy?”

“Because he’s scum. He didn’t even deserve you when he had you.” Mingyu ran a gentle hand through Wonwoo’s hair. “You’re golden.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“I mean it. I swear. Fuck him.” 

Wonwoo sniffled, finally getting up. “Look at me.” He chuckled. “It’s been months. Months. I’m over him, right?”

“Right. Fuck him.”

“Fuck him.”

He made his way to the bathroom, planning to wash up. Taking a look in the mirror, the memories began to flood back. 

-

It was a bright, breezy July afternoon and Wonwoo decided he’d pull himself out of the funk he’d been in since Hansol left. He found himself browsing a mall on the east side of the city, full of quirky bookstores and odds-and-ends shops. That was when he saw them.

He saw Hansol in the food court, fingers intertwined with another. He was feeding the boy French fries from a greasy little packet. He was smiling, he was laughing. He was happy. 

Wonwoo was broken. Not even a week ago, he received a text saying they’d be better off as friends. _Was there anyone else?_ Wonwoo asked. _No, no. Of course not. I want to be with you, I just want us both to be ready._

And that was it. And there he was. 

And Wonwoo found himself walking to the table. 

He made eye contact with a shocked and ashamed Hansol. He opened his bottle of diet Coke. He poured it all over the table, all over their bags, all over those stupid fucking French fries.

“Were you really not ready for commitment, or did you just not want to commit to me? Fuck you.”

-

Wonwoo snapped out of it, realizing he had been quietly sobbing on the bathroom floor. A soft knock came from the door. 

“You okay?”

“Yep. Yeah, just washing up. Be out soon.” He ran some water and splashed it on his face, hoping it would calm the flush that quickly spread across his cheeks. 

“I’ll be in the rec room, then.” 

Wonwoo waited until he heard the door close before coming out of the bathroom. He grabbed a hoodie and threw it on as he headed towards the rec room, hoping to whatever God was out there that he wouldn’t run into Choi Hansol.

He did, of course.

Hansol was sitting on the air hockey table, laughing with the group of boys. Wonwoo’s friends. He walked past them and sat on an unoccupied couch, curling up and opening a copy of The Beautiful and Damned. 

“Hey Wonu.” Wonwoo cringed at the old nickname, “Didn’t think I’d be seeing you again.” Hansol offered a smile. It wasn’t reciprocated.

“Yeah, crazy,” Wonwoo instead mumbled, trying his best to lose himself in his book. Hansol took this as a hint not to converse further, shifting his focus to the others.

Mingyu noticed this and took the seat next to Wonwoo. “I’ll hang out with you. You look like you need a friend.” 

“I don’t, don’t worry about me.”

Mingyu stayed anyway. 

“You have an annoying habit of not listening to me, you know that right?”

“I do listen!” Mingyu answered in mock annoyance. “I just like to do what I want.” 

“Whatever.” Wonwoo lifted his book up just enough to hide his smile from the taller boy’s field of vision. He felt something he hadn’t felt in forever. It was the same feeling he got when Hansol grazed his cheek with the back of his hand, soft and subtle. It was a warm spark in his heart that started a chain reaction ending with a jumbling sort of mess in his stomach and a certain weakness in his knees. 

“Why are you blushing?” He heard the boy speak. 

“I-wh-I’m not even blushing?” 

“But you are.” Mingyu teased. “Your cheeks are all red. You’re flustered.” 

“Shut up.” Wonwoo looked down at his book, although all focus had been shattered. He felt a hand on his cheek. Looking up, he realized Mingyu was gazing at him with those dark, piercing eyes. The boy then laughed, and a softness spread quickly across his face. He brought his hand back. 

“It’s cute when you’re bothered.” 

“I’m not even bothered.” 

“Sure. Whatever.” Mingyu winked, getting up and walking to the center of the room. “Off the table, newbie. I have unfinished business with Xu Minghao.” He grabbed a puck and chucked it on the air hockey table, flashing Wonwoo another smile. 

He hid his smile behind his book, trying his best to read, but to no avail. His brain was too cluttered with thoughts of Kim Mingyu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry hansol fans! i promise he won't be as hate-able in the later chapters. don't worry, he isn't a total scumbag :)) i hope you guys are enjoying so far~! leave a comment if you want, i love reading them so much!!! thanks for reading!! xoxo, em~


	4. the road is long, we carry on, try to have fun in the meantime

Monthly visits were not something Wonwoo particularly enjoyed. He never looked forward to the awkward meals across from his mother, who spent more time twirling her fork around than paying attention to conversation. Sure, they talked, but it was brief and altogether unimportant. He’d glance painfully at Mingyu who sat with his best friend, laughing and joking. He envied the fact Mingyu was never awkward, never stuck in forced interaction with nothing to say. Mingyu always had something to say.

“It’s been two months, hasn’t it?” His mother brought him out of his trance.

“Oh. Yes, I guess it has been.”

“We do miss you at home, Wonu. So much.” She looked up at him and he thought he saw a twinkle of emotion in her eye. His typically distant mother furrowed her brow, scratching the inner corner of her eye. “I look forward to you coming back to me.” She looked down at her plate. 

“I miss you too, mom.” Wonwoo ran his hand through his hair and cleared his throat.

“Well, I guess I’d better go.” She got up and hugged him quickly. “I love you.” 

Wonwoo watched her briskly walk away. He saw Mingyu begin to approach him.

“Hey, I have a surprise for you later.”

“What is it?”

“Wonwoo,” Mingyu whined, “You know if I tell you it won’t be a surprise!”

Wonwoo sighed. He hated surprises, but he liked a happy Mingyu, so he nodded his head. “Fine, fine. When do I get it?”

“Heh, well, it requires a bit of risk, if you’re up for it.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ll see.” The younger boy winked and began walking down the hall. 

—-

Wonwoo sat beside Soonyoung, waiting as the others trickled in for group therapy. 

“Hey.” The syllable escaped Soonyoung’s lips hesitantly, as if he wanted to say something, but it sat deep in the back of his throat.

Wonwoo turned his head to the boy, slightly surprised. In his whole stay at the center, he had never really had a conversation with Soonyoung before. The boy seemed nice enough, almost too kind, but their paths never seemed to cross at the right time.

“Hi.”

Soonyoung smiled. “Doesn’t this all seem redundant to you?”

“What?”

“This. We sit in a circle and tell Seungkwan we ate our lunch, get praised and leave. Some say they struggle, they get consolation, the cycle continues.” He chuckled. “Is it really helpful?” 

“I guess it’s just to make a closer knit group of friends.”

Soonyoung looked across the room at the boy who just walked through the door. He blushed. 

Wonwoo followed his gaze. There was Jihoon, finding a seat between Seokmin and Chan. He looked back and seemed to make eye contact with Soonyoung, who promptly returned to the conversation he had begun. 

“It hasn’t helped me much in that regard.”

“Hasn’t it?”

“No. I only really talk to Jeonghan and sometimes Jisoo starts a chat with me, but he talks to everyone.” 

“Well, I’m here now. Talk to me. Sorry I never took the opportunity earlier- I avoid people.”

Soonyoung smiled. “I know you do, which sucks. You seem so easily approachable. And you get along with Mingyu so well- he’s probably the most popular here. I assumed you’d be an open book like him...you aren’t. It’s interesting.”

“You’re insightful.”

“I stay quiet, I guess. You learn a lot about people when you just watch from the sidelines.”

“That makes sense..” Wonwoo trailed off as Hansol waltzed into the room. He felt bad for being so bitter still, but holding a grudge was what he seemed to do best. 

“You okay?” Soonyoung furrowed his brow.

“What? Oh, I’m fine.” Wonwoo smirked, leaning back in his chair.

“Okay, okay, I’m late I know.” Seungkwan hurried in, papers in hand. “I have something new planned for us. I’m putting you in partners. I’ve already determined who is who, and no, you can’t switch. First pairing is Mingyu and Minghao.”

Wonwoo grimaced. It wasn’t that he didn’t like everyone else, but Mingyu was his roommate. His best friend, his security blanket. _Oh well,_ he thought, _maybe I’ll be paired with Seokmin, or Jeonghan, hell, Soonyoung even..._

“Soonyoung and Jihoon. Seungcheol and Junhui. Jeonghan, you’ll be with...aish, I can’t even read my own handwriting...oh, you’ll be with Jisoo. Chan, you’re with Seokmin, and last but certainly not least we have Hansol and-“

_Shit_

“Wonwoo! Okay, so with your partner, talk about one bad thing that has happened this week and three good things that have happened. This is to create some support systems outside of group therapy as well as hopefully creating some new friendships! Go ahead, we’ll meet back after maybe 30-40 min to have some group discussion.”

The younger boy made his way to Wonwoo, who began picking at the ends of his sleeves.

“Hey Wonu.” He grabbed a chair, sitting down. Wonwoo looked down at his feet. “Hi.” He mumbled.

“We haven’t gotten to really talk in here yet, this is good.” Wonwoo remained silent. Hansol scratched the back of his head. “Um, want me to start?”

“Sure.”

“Good or bad first?”

“Um...” Wonwoo blinked, wanting to keep giving him a cold shoulder but unable to be totally rude. “Get the bad out of the way first.”

“Okay... I saw my weight this weigh-in.” 

“How? They don’t let you face the scale.” 

“I had a new nurse and saw the paperwork. She just left it lying out and of course I had to read it.” Hansol rolled his eyes, cursing himself. “It ruined my whole day.”

“It doesn’t matter though.” 

“It makes me upset.”

“It shouldn’t.”

“You’re one to talk.”

“Excuse me?” Wonwoo straightened up in his chair.

“You’re here too, you know, so obviously you’re affected too. Imagine you seeing that you’ve gained t- a bunch of weight all at once. I can’t stop seeing it piled up all over my body now.” He bit at his nails.

“You look fine. Um...what good happened then, let’s shift focus...” Wonwoo asked cautiously.

“No, let’s get all the bad out and finish with all good things. What was your bad thing?”

“I...I got a little bit triggered during lunch a few days ago..” Wonwoo stumbled over his words.

“What?”

“Er, I-“

“Tell me the real thing, not some fluffy made up story.” Hansol’s voice held a touch of annoyance. “I opened up to you, can’t I get the same respect?”

“Respect? Like you even- no, we can get into all this at another time. You wanna know the real bad thing? I had to see my mother.”

Hansol bit his cheek. He knew Wonwoo’s bitterness towards his mother all too well. “She...she does love you, you know.”

“Why can’t she show it then?” 

“You think people like us are easy to love?”

Wonwoo shrugged. “Can we discuss the positives already?”

“Fine, fine. Three positives...well, I haven’t had to eat my lunches on one-on-one supervision for two weeks now, and I got to go out for the day and spend time with Sofia, and we didn’t have to eat that awful fake egg-hockey disk creation for breakfast today.”

This garnered a chuckle from the older boy.

“There’s a fourth one- I made Jeon Wonwoo smile. Laugh, even.”

“Whatever.”

“What about your good things?”

“Well, I made a new friend, my mother brought me new books, and...” He blushed.

“Ooh I know that look. Who is it?”

“Who is what?”

“Who do you like? That look used to be reserved for me, you know, until.. anyway, who is it Wonu? Please tell me!”

“It’s someone. And h- they- we just made a promise today, is all.” Suddenly, Wonwoo wanted to keep his surprise a secret. He didn’t know exactly what it was, and didn’t want Mingyu to get in trouble.

“Ahh, so it’s someone here isn’t it?”

“Maybe.”

“Is it Mingyu? You two are so funny together.”

“Why should I tell you? What’s this sudden interest in my life?”

“Look...” Hansol sighed. “I never got the chance to really apologize to you. I should have never hurt you like that. I am literal scum. But...to know there is someone out there who will treat you how you deserve to be treated, well, it makes me feel better. I really am sorry.”

Wonwoo nodded. “It’s okay.”

“It isn’t.”

“No, it is. We all make mistakes, I’m starting to learn that.”

“I would like to be friends again.”

“Maybe one day.” Wonwoo offered a smile. Hansol smiled back.

“That’s enough for me.”

——

It was almost lights-out, and Mingyu hadn’t mentioned the surprise once. Wonwoo was slowly losing his cool.

“Come on!” He whined. “I’m so impatient.”

“I know you are.” Mingyu flashed a bright smile. “Give me one hour after lights out, okay? And dress in something warm...”

“Why? We can’t leave...”

Mingyu gave him a look.

“Mingyu...”

“I’m not saying we’re jumping ship. And we have to be so fucking careful.” He shot a warning glance before softening his face. “But there are...parts of this building, per se, with gorgeous views and nice privacy.”

“Privacy? We’ll need privacy?” 

“You’ll see.” Mingyu winked. “Now, read a book, do something to pass the time. No more questions!”

Wonwoo nodded, numerous thoughts running through his head. He picked up the book his mother gave him and attempted to read. After ten minutes and utter failure to focus, he glanced at his roommate. Mingyu was playing a game on an old Gameboy advance, laying in his bed, completely nonchalant. 

“Not even a hint?” Wonwoo placed his book on the little desk in between them, getting up and turning the light off.

“Can’t you wait?”

Wonwoo pouted and shook his head.

“Well, if I tell you, you won’t want anything to do with it.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means you’re a goody-two-shoes and you don’t take risks.”

“Risks? I take risks...”

“Then prove it.”

Wonwoo hesitated. “Well, what is it?”

“A surprise.”

“UGH!” He picked his book up again, this time clipping a book light to the cover. He flipped through the pages. “Maybe I should just go ahead and get dressed.” 

“You’re so antsy! Do you want to get caught?”

“No,” the older boy said sheepishly, “but I can’t just sit here.”

“Hm. I’ll help you pick an outfit.” Mingyu began sorting through their dresser. He pulled out grey joggers and tossed them at Wonwoo. Rummaging through another drawer, he found a dusty pink sweatshirt. “There. This should be good.” He flung it in the older boy’s direction. For himself, he pulled out black sweatpants and a floral patterned tee. “This okay? I don’t wanna look dumb for your surprise.”

“You always look dumb though.”

“Hey, take that back!” He laughed.

Wonwoo stuck his tongue out. 

“Aren’t you gonna get dressed?” Mingyu asked, throwing off his sweater and putting on the tee.

His eyes widened. “Out here?” 

“You know I don’t care.” The younger boy shrugged. 

“I’ll just go into the bathroom.” He shuffled past Mingyu, closing the bathroom door behind him. Wonwoo hated that he couldn’t feel comfortable enough to change clothes in front of Mingyu, even after the two had been living together for a while. He abhorred being even somewhat naked in front of someone. He felt vulnerable, too large, as if he took up too much space. Wonwoo shook his head, clearing his mind. This was supposed to be a good night. He came out of the bathroom and faced Mingyu, who lit up instantly. 

“Perfect.”

A nervous chuckle escaped the older boy’s mouth. “Whatever. I like this outfit, you did a good job.” He sat on his bed. “How much longer?”

Mingyu checked the clock on the desk. “Thirty minutes, I guess. Just to make sure everything is quiet.”

Wonwoo nodded. He saw Mingyu fiddle with something in his pocket. _Maybe that’s the surprise? What could it be?_ His mind ran wild. Obviously they would be leaving their room. Where would they go? If they needed to dress warmly...and the place had a view...

After a grueling thirty minutes, Mingyu finally got up, motioning for Wonwoo to join him as he crept by the door. He unlocked it and pulled it open centimeter by centimeter, keeping as quiet as possible. “Go on, be on the lookout..” he hissed. 

“I- o-okay..” Wonwoo slipped through the opening and waited anxiously while Mingyu crept out and closed the door just as slow as it was opened. He thought his heart would beat out of his chest. 

“Come on!” Mingyu grabbed his wrist and they shuffled down the hall into a staircase.

“Okay, we have to be quick, you hear me? Just follow me, make no noise, got it? We cannot get caught.”

Wonwoo nodded, and they were off. They took the stairs two at a time, up three flights until they reached the very end. Mingyu opened the door, which began to creak. “Shit, be still for a second.”

The boys became statues for what seemed like forever, then Mingyu gave the all-clear and they slipped through the cracked door and into a dark, empty hallway. The younger boy led Wonwoo to another staircase that lead to an ominous door. Mingyu opened it for Wonwoo. He was greeted by a cool breeze and starlight.

“Welcome to my sanctuary.”

They were on the roof of the building. Wonwoo looked up at the sky in amazement, then gazed out at the skyline. The city was quiet, yet still lit up and beautiful. Mingyu brought him to the edge, where someone had set up a little blanket. 

“Whew, I was afraid it would blow away. I need to thank Seokmin for bringing it up here.”

“Seokmin?”

“Mhm.” Mingyu smirked. “He was the one who suggested all of this.”

“I need to thank him too.”

“That’s not all though.” 

“There’s more?”

“Mhm.” Mingyu reached into his pocket and pulled out a lighter, a baggie, and a little glass pipe.

“Wh- Mingyu! What is that?” Wonwoo knew good and well just what it was, but...how did he get it?

“Just something to calm your nerves.” Mingyu opened the baggie, the strong smell assaulting Wonwoo’s nostrils. He began filling the pipe with the substance, packing it down with his lighter. “You get the green hit.” He smiled, offering the pipe over.

Wonwoo took it and chuckled. “I’ve never even smoked a cigarette...”

“You just inhale, like this,” Mingyu dramatically breathed in, “it won’t be a great feeling right away but...it get’s good. When I tell you to suck, you suck. When I tell you to hold it, hold it. Got it?”

Wonwoo smiled and put the pipe to his lips as Mingyu lit it, turning the green herb a bright orange that stood out in the dark. “Suck! Big breath, you got it, okay...hold it! Hold it...keep holding...”

Wonwoo strained. His lungs were on fire, screaming for release.

“Exhale, my friend.” 

He exhaled sharply, hacking. He thought he would honestly cough up a lung. And then...nothing.

“What is supposed to happen? I feel fine.” 

Mingyu took a hit smoothly, looking up at him. “Give it time.” He took another, blowing a smoke ring.

They chatted for a while, Mingyu coaching Wonwoo through two more puffs. The older boy began to feel heavy, as if the world was slowly collapsing on him. He felt as though he moved in slow motion, and to be honest, everything felt _good,_ save for the ghost of a burn still lingering in his lungs. 

“How ya feelin’?” Mingyu smiled, pinching his cheek. 

“Nice.” Wonwoo mumbled, laughing. 

“Good.” 

“Hey, Mingyu, can I ask you something?” 

“What?”

“How do you do it?” Wonwoo looked at him curiously.

Mingyu looked confused. “Do what?”

“How do you stay so happy? How do you just.. like everyone? How does everyone like you?”

“I...what? Hah, I never thought about it. Everyone likes me? Nah.” Mingyu began packing his pipe again. “Everyone likes you.”

“No. Nope, you’re wrong there.”

“Name one person who doesn’t like you.”

“My mom.” Wonwoo chuckled. 

“She loves you.” 

“You can love someone without liking them.”

“What makes you say that?” 

“I don’t know. Whatever. What’s your mom like? I never see her during visits.”

“My family is preoccupied.” Mingyu stopped smiling. 

“Preoccupied with..?”

“My mom...she’s sick.” He sighed, drawing slowly from the pipe. Smoke poured from his mouth and Wonwoo wasn’t sure if his eyes were turning red for more than one reason. “She’s dying, actually. Cancer. St-stage...” He put his face in his hands. 

“Hey, whoa, I’m so sorry. I- I didn’t know...”

“You think it’s easy being happy?” He wiped his eyes, regaining composure. He took a final hit, exhaling and looking down at the pipe. “It’s...it’s like I have to become a completely different Mingyu every day just so no one asks questions, it’s so hard...”

“I’m so sorry about your mom... And, well, you can be yourself with me. Lose the facade when you come into our room. Have time to breathe and face your real emotions, you know? I won’t ask questions. I’ll just be there if you need me.”

“And that’s...that’s what’s so perfect about you, you know?” Mingyu sighed. He reached out and squeezed the older boy’s hand. “You’re such a good person. No matter what, to everyone you meet. How do _you_ do it?”

Wonwoo smiled, squeezing Mingyu’s hand back. He wasn’t sure whether or not to blame his sudden rush of emotions and butterflies on the weed or...something else. “Th-thanks, I guess.” He took another hit before Mingyu began putting everything away. 

“No, seriously.” The younger boy closed the baggie tightly, shoving it in his pocket along with his pipe and lighter. “You’re a great guy.” He stood up, stumbling slightly. “Alright, we should head back. It’ll be easy as long as we stay quiet.”

They made it all the way back to their room, not bothering to turn the light on. Mingyu headed to the bathroom, cleaning his pipe and then shoved everything in a hidden seam of his backpack. He laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. 

“Wonu?”

The older boy looked at him. He’d never heard Mingyu call him _that,_ but it was nice.

“Yeah?” 

He sat up. “C’mere?” He patted the empty space next to him. 

Wonwoo sat on Mingyu’s bed. It was hard to focus on things. He still had a heavy feeling, and his head felt...detached. His whole body did, in fact. But being next to the younger boy felt _nice,_ being able to see every perfect detail up close, to smell the fragrant cologne that graced his skin. Mingyu was like artwork at this close a proximity, and Wonwoo enjoyed taking in every moment. 

“Thank you for everything. You’re just...you’re so...you’re a good friend.” Mingyu whispered.

“You’re a good friend too. A great friend.” Wonwoo sighed. “And...thank you for tonight. Even though we could have totally gotten caught, and weed is...well, illegal...and we’re basically bad people now...”

Mingyu laughed. “Shut up. You’re so cute.”

Wonwoo blushed. “Stop.”

“Stop what?”

“Making me feel funny.”

The younger boy smirked. “I don’t want to.” He leaned towards Wonwoo, planting a gentle kiss on his lips. “Now go to bed, if we sleep in and miss breakfast then they’ll really let us have it.”

Wonwoo turned the darkest shade of red, nodding and slipping into his own bed. He pulled the covers up and pressed a pillow onto his face, attempting to conceal an enormous smile. 

“Goodnight, Wonu.”

“Goodnight, Mingyu.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg sorry its taking so long for me to update. ive got a lot on my plate lately but things are starting to drastically calm down so hopefully i can give you guys updates a lot faster! thank you for reading!! tell me how you like it so far! xoxo -em


	5. will someone please call a surgeon who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart

When a person slams a door, they are most likely distressed or angry. Hansol happened to be both. He paced around his room, running his hands through his hair. He walked in and out of the bathroom, stopping in front of the mirror, turning sideways, checking every angle.

_What is wrong with me,_ he thought to himself, _what is so wrong that he doesn't want me? That he doesn't want us to happen?_

Hansol didn't always cry. Tonight was an exception.

-

Seungkwan heard the door slam down the hall. He expected it, really. He put his head in his hands, rubbing his temples, as if enough pressure could erase his memories.

"It's taboo, sure," Hansol had told him, "but is it really against the rules?"

"It's against my rules. I can't... I can't do this with a clear conscience."

"Babe-"

"Please." He remembered the look on Hansol's face, as if he'd slapped the boy. 

"You have to understand."

"I understand. You're too fucking good for me, right? That it?"

"Hansol, you're my patient, I-"

He felt lips press against his own. He pushed the younger boy away. "Han..."

"Please, please Seungkwan...we have something..." Tears stained his face, his eyes were bloodshot.

Seungkwan felt the tears coming, too. They burned in the corners of his eyes. "You have to understand. I could get in so much trouble."

"Isn't it worth it?"

The counselor fell silent. He didn't know what to say.

"Seungkwan? It's worth it...isn't it?"

He looked at the ground. Hansol shook his head. 

"You don't care. You never did." He stormed off. And the door slammed. 

And Seungkwan was left alone, in an office that suddenly felt too cold and too crowded. 

\----

Wonwoo was laying in bed, nose deep in a new book, when the knocking began. It was loud and frantic and it made him jump nearly ten feet in the air.

"Christ, Han..."

"Oh give me a break!" Hansol rushed into the dorm. "I wish one person would just give me a goddamn break!"

"I'm not the one barging into rooms and causing a riot- Are you okay?"

"I'm obviously not okay, Wonwoo. Look at me. Look at my face-" he pointed angrily at himself, "does this fucking look okay to you?" 

Wonwoo shook his head, wide-eyed. "Wh-what happened?"

"People are shit, everyone's shit and no one cares, you pour your heart out, you give _everything_ to someone and-"

"That sounds familiar."  
Hansol sat on the bed and put his head in his hands. Wonwoo could hear the stifled sobbing.

"I was just...ah, I'm sorry Hansol. I really didn't mean it." He sat next to the boy. 

"No," Hansol sniffled, "I know. I hurt you. It's all karma. I deserve this."

"You don't. Whatever this is, this isn't what you deserve. But um...what is this, though?"

Hansol sighed. "You have to swear on your life you won't tell anyone..."

"I promise." 

They hooked pinkies, nodding to each other. 

"It's Seungkwan... for the past month or so we've just...had a thing going."

"The counselor? A thing with the counselor? Isn't that.."

"It isn't illegal or anything." The younger boy scoffed. "But...he says he can't do it. Something about it being against his conscience or whatever...Wonu...he told me he loved me... how do you do that? You tell them something so intimate and then rip it all apart..." 

Wonwoo hadn't ever seen him this hurt. It made all of his anger toward Hansol seem to dissipate out of pure pity and concern.

"Do you love him?"

Hansol nodded, tears beginning to flow down his cheeks. "I don't think I've ever loved someone so much." 

"It's been a month, though."

"Exactly. I can't help it...our conversations, our personalities, everything was so perfect. I was feeling happy. I was eating again. I don't know what to do." Hansol stood up. "I...I think I'm gonna just go lay down."

"Will you be okay?"

"Sure." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "I just need to be alone."

Wonwoo nodded. "See you at dinner, then. Han?"

"Yeah?"

"It'll be okay." Wonwoo squeezed his shoulder. "Everything will work out in the end."

"Thanks."

Wonwoo watched as Hansol shuffled into his room, closing the door behind him. Just then, Mingyu came from the recreation room. 

"What was that?"

"Hansol's upset, I guess."

"Over?"

Wonwoo shrugged. "I don't know..." If there was one thing he wasn't good at, it was keeping secrets. 

"Well, I hope he lightens up. Everyone seems to be in a funk today. Soonyoung keeps whining about how Jihoon won't notice him. Minghao's being, well, Minghao... and even Seungkwan is acting weird."

Wonwoo sighed. He yearned to tell Mingyu everything he'd just learned, but even as well as he knew Mingyu, he just wasn't sure how much he trusted the boy, at least with a secret that big. 

"Crazy." He muttered, "Must just be a full moon or something."

Mingyu nodded. "Ah, well. How are you feeling?" 

"Me?"

"Yeah, you." He bopped Wonwoo's nose with his forefinger. 

Wonwoo blushed. "I'm...fine?"

"Elaborate." Mingyu smiled. "C'mon, tell me about your day. Didn't you have one-on-one therapy? Break any walls? Make any revelations? Epiphanies?"

Wonwoo laughed. "Hm... I have an eating disorder.""Lame." The younger boy rolled his eyes. "You know what we should do tonight?"

He gulped. "Wh-what?"

"Play air hockey." Mingyu laughed. "What did you think? Get your mind out of the gutter, Jeon Wonwoo."

"Oh..." Wonwoo smiled, shaking his head. "It wasn't in the gutter!" He lied. Lately, when it came to Mingyu, his thoughts were wandering into the gutter an awful lot.

"Sure. So...whatcha reading?" He eyed the book that rested on Wonwoo's nightstand. 

"White Oleander. I only just started it, but it's pretty good."

Mingyu nodded. "Maybe you can read to me sometime?"

"Me? Read to you?"

"Yeah... I like listening to stories. Plus, your voice is so soothing and calm. I like it." 

Wonwoo smiled. "I'm flattered. At least I have one good quality."

"One? You have so many." Mingyu returned a smile. "You're cute, you're funny, you're all sorts of good things."

"Such a way with words."

"Shut up, I'm trying to be nice." 

"You're succeeding."

The boys laughed for a moment, settling in a comfortable silence. 

"Hey, we better head out to dinner." 

Mingyu gestured to the clock. "Wanna walk with me?"

Wonwoo nodded, and they headed down the hall. Before entering the doors to the cafeteria, Mingyu laced his fingers in with Wonwoo's, holding his hand. 

"What are you-"

"Oh, I forgot to ask. Can I hold your hand?"

"I mean, you are anyway, so-"

"Do you want me to let go?"

"No.."

Mingyu smiled victoriously. Eventually, they did let go, grabbing their trays of food and heading to their usual table. Wonwoo sat across from Mingyu, not able to wipe the smile from his face. That is, until he saw Jisoo running towards them, out of breath and crying. 

"I-it's Hansol..." He began blabbering.

"What? Breath, Jisoo." Seokmin jumped up. "What's wrong? Hansol what?"

"He's...h-he's n-n-not waking up!"

\--- _To be continued._ \---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the cliffhanger! i promise things will be cleared up soon~ thank u sm for reading! leave a comment, i love reading what u all have to say <3 i will be updating more frequently i promise. xoxo, ~em


	6. believe i never wanted this. i thought this time i'd keep all of my promises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew i forgot to add tws!!! sorry yall i originally uploaded this at like??? 2:30am EST??? OOF so umm yeah trigger warnings for: self harm discussion, suicidal ideation, suicide attempt, drug use.   
> happy reading, ily guys sm <3

Seungkwan couldn't help but hear the frenzy growing outside his office. He walked out into the hallway, seeing a frazzled Jisoo talking to two of the nurses. 

"H-he's cold...clammy, to the touch...he won't wake up, please help him! Please..." 

Jisoo was crying heavily, clutching at his waist.

"What's happening?" Seungkwan approached the young boy as the nurses rushed into Jisoo and Hansol's shared room.

"It's Hansol..." Jisoo leaned against a wall. "I don't know what to do..."

Suddenly, another nurse came running down the hall, muttering expletives under his breath. Seungkwan and Jisoo followed him into the room.

"I...I think I know what happened." He spoke softly, looking down at the floor.  
"What? Speak up, Myungjun." The head nurse looked back at him with a steely gaze.

"Diphenhydramine overdose...I didn't mean to...he came to my station asking for benadryl for an itchy throat. I gave him a proper dose but I think he took more from me when I wasn't looking." He held up an empty bottle. "I really don't know h-how..." He teared up. 

"Dammit, MJ, we have to be more attentive!" The head nurse growled. "We need to get him to the emergency ward." The three lifted Hansol's limp body onto a stretcher and wheeled him away, almost running into Seokmin.

"Jisoo!" He caught the boy, who nearly fainted. "Come on, calm down. Hansol is in good hands." 

Seungkwan felt the world collapse around him. He was caught between reality and a dream. His feet were cement blocks, and he was stuck, dumbfounded in the middle of his patient's-his lover's- bedroom.

\----

Dinner was quiet and especially difficult. The boys found themselves crying, but for a different reason than usual.

"God, what if he's d-"

"Jun, don't fucking say that, don't even entertain that idea." Jeonghan pointed an accusatory finger at him. He wiped tears from his eyes and sighed. "We have to stay strong."

Junhui nodded, clutching on Minghao's hand underneath the table.

"It's my fault." Jisoo sniffled. "I'm his roommate. I should have known something was wrong."

"It isn't your fault or anyone else's, for that matter." Jihoon patted his knee. "Let's focus on something else for now, okay?"

Wonwoo felt a pang in his chest. He had been the last to really talk to Hansol before the incident. He knew what was going through the boy's head, what pushed him to do the unthinkable...

"Wonu?" The familiar voice pulled him out of his trance. His eyes met a concerned Mingyu. "Why don't we get out of here? We could go to the roof again." His puppy eyes were pleading. 

"You haven't touched your ramen." 

"You haven't either." Mingyu retorted. "Besides, I doubt they'd say anything." Wonwoo watched the younger boy gesture to an aide. His tag read _Yoon Sanha, Volunteer_. A newbie. 

"Excuse me? C-can we just leave? It's too stressful here...our friend is in critical condition."

The aide, a tall, sweet faced boy, contemplated for a bit. "I...I don't want to get in trouble. Could you guys at least finish your fruit?" 

"Okay... thank you, Sanha. We really appreciate it."

The aide nodded. "Keep it between us, okay?" He took their ramen bowls and left. 

"How you got away with that, I'll never know." Wonwoo shook his head and picked through his fruit cup.

"It's the volunteers. No one properly trains them. That's why they stay on cafeteria duty. Can't get into too much trouble there. Now, c'mon and eat. I don't want to be in here anymore. It's too much." 

Wonwoo nodded and finished his fruit.

The pair slipped past the halls and up the stairs, opening the door to the fresh, cold night air. 

"How can it be so frigid?" Wonwoo grumbled.

"I could warm you up."

"Shut up!"

"Hey! I meant a little bit of magic." He began packing his pipe. "You and that dirty mind." He chuckled, shaking his head and taking a hit. 

Wonwoo glared at him as he took the bowl. _If only you knew._

The boys stood in silence for a moment. Mingyu was right, Wonwoo felt warmer, maybe because the smoke caused a fire in his lungs as usual. He tried not to hack up a lung as Mingyu laughed uncontrollably beside him. 

"See, this is what I like about you." Mingyu said, wrapping up his paraphernalia and shoving it deep into his pocket. 

"What's that?"

"Any time with you is a good time, guaranteed."

"You're full of shit, Gyu." Wonwoo laughed.

"Maybe so." He smiled, his perfectly imperfect teeth shining brightly. He pulled Wonwoo in for a hug, and the older boy blushed. His heart beat faster and faster, the smell of Mingyu's YSL cologne taking over his nostrils. They held each other for what felt like an eternity. Just Wonwoo, Mingyu, the moon and the stars. Wonwoo wondered why this was where he felt most at home. 

\---

In the recreation room, Junhui found himself alone with Minghao. 

"Hao, I don't feel comfortable here..."

"Please. You think this is the first time someone's attempted?"

"N-no...but...it puts things in perspective."

"Psh. It's just drama. I promise, Hansol will be fine. He'll be locked up in the ultra-looney bin for a few days, then they'll thrust him back our way. It always happens that way." He grabbed Junhui's hands. 

Junhui blushed, but he still felt a deep sadness. "Is everyone just that hopeless?"

"Yes, I think so. But, not at the same time. And they don't stay that way." Minghao looked into the older boy's eyes. "I felt that way. I still do sometimes."

Junhui's eyes watered as Minghao lifted the sleeves of his hoodie. Aged, jagged white scars contrasted his tanned skin. 

"Hao... I'm so sorry."

"For what? I did it to myself." He traced Junhui's jawline with his thumb. "Plus, when I have that hopeless feeling, I have something to distract me."

"What's that?" 

"You." He pulled the older boy gently towards him, into a light, passionate kiss.

Junhui giggled, pulling away, knees weak. "You don't mean that."

"You know I do." Minghao ruffled the boy's hair. "How could anyone feel hopess looking into Wen Junhui's eyes?" They plopped on the couch, resting in each other's arms and enjoying a moment of silence. 

"You really think Hansol will be okay?"

Minghao nodded. But inside, he really didn't, and that scared him.

\---

"Awake....eye movement...vitals stabilizing..."

Hansol looked around the room groggily. All he could feel was pain. His stomach hurt, his chest hurt, his throat was on fire, and his head was pounding. 

"Wh...where..."

"Shhh... don't panic." A man with a white coat and a stethoscope stood over his bed. "I'm Moonbin, I'm your doctor. You are in the emergency ward. You overdosed, and we had to pump your stomach. You will feel a bit uncomfortable, that is normal." He fiddled with a few machines. "We are just happy that you are still with us. It's a blessing. Please," He pulled a thick white blanket over Hansol's legs, "get some rest. You need it now more than ever. Is there anything you need?"

He teared up. "My...my friends? Where is Jisoo? Wonwoo?" _Seungkwan?_

"They're all here, on the other side of the building. We didn't whisk you away to another hospital. You'll be able to return to them in a few days."

"Days?" Hansol's heart sank.

"Yes, unfortunately what we're dealing with is serious. A suicide attempt is something we can't take lightly. Your body needs to repair, and we also need to do an evaluation and some one-on-one therapy. Sound okay?"

"Sounds overwhelming."

"I promise, it won't be as bad as it seems. Let's focus on it when the time comes, okay? For now, we need you to rest. If you need anything," he showed the boy a little remote, "press this red button. Your nurse, Eunwoo, will come and he will help you. Okay?" 

"Okay..." Hansol laid back on the pillow, staring up at the blank white ceiling. Ge wondered why he'd been so stupid. Why he'd stolen medicine, why he'd worried everyone. Why he'd most likely put a nurse's job in jeopardy.

Why he'd survived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry for the wait. the next one won't be as long, i promise. lmk what you think, i love reading your comments!! thank you guys sm for reading and bookmarking and giving me kudos, it means the world to me. xoxo, -em


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